.......

My heart is literally broken.

Why does family have to give me such a hard time?

Why do I always have to cry?

And how does anything ever even become my fault?

Eff that.

At this time, I can only pray.

I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone I realized, even though I have done it, cause I fee as if, wether or not people admit it, they do judge to some extent. And I don't need anyone's pity.

I'm tired and sad, that's it, story of my life haha.

When will things start to look up, I have no idea.

But I have hope that they will someday down the road.

This week.

Seriously, life is effed up. But oh well, haha, what can you do right?


Sometimes you just gotta take one thing at a time. I hate this week though

I'm really thankful for my friends though, they make even the most depressing day, into an okay day.

I really miss home.

I miss my bed.

Whatta life.

It sure is something.

I'm pissed. A quiz, 3 exams, and a presentation. Darn. I quit, haha not really ;)

But, I'm ok too, I'll laugh it off. And when I look back at this post, hopefully It'll be a less stress free day ^_^

- December 2012

:(

Today, I definitely don't feel like myself.

I don't know why.:(

Like I feel scared of the future. I don't want break to end, I want to stay here in the comfort of my home, with my family. I want to go back to grade school or high school, I really miss the old days. It's kind of made me sad, I'm not gonna lie. Things are changing too fast and I just don't know to handle anything anymore. Time can pause now.

My home, my place, this is where I want to stay. My getaway, my happiness, my everything is here. So, why do I have to leave it all behind? Why do I have to feel like a guest in my own house, my own bedroom? It's truly hard sometimes.

But then I remember my friends, who are always there for me at school, but yet, sometimes I still feel alone. Maybe it's just me, or maybe everyone has this feeling. Sometimes I become emotionless, other times I let myself cry a little.

Growing up is hard, it really is, and I realize it more and more each day.Not knowing what each day will bring, how things will go. I need something to hold on too. Right now I just want to stay still and let everything else, everyone else move on.

Only God keeps me going at this point, cause He will always be here for me, and knowing that, makes me feel like everything will be fine no matter where I am or what state I am in.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy person, but hey, can't be happy all the time right.

Spring Break

I haven't posted in such a long time, haha too busy I guess, always my excuse. Life's been alright. After hearing about the earthquake in Japan, I realized how fragile life really is. In one second, everything might be lost, and you'd never know how, when, where, or why. It's scary, I'm sad for the people who have lost their loved ones and will keep praying forever and ever. It will be ok. I recently learned that my brother has a heart problem, nothing too serious right now and iA it will never be, but it still made me cry. So much, it hurt. It's ok, he'll be ok, but just knowing that anything is wrong with him, makes me so sad :(. He's a great kid and I love him more than I could ever tell you. But I'll pray for him and that's all I can do, every second I think of him. At night, I always check if he's ok, still breathing when he's sleeping. I'll wake up at 3 AM and check on him. Of course he doesn't know, or he'd be like what's wrong with her haha. I care for him alot, when he's hurt, I hurt too. So, I spent a few hours crying in the bathroom, oh well.

Being in college, I know I miss out on a lot that's going on with the family. Their happiness and sadness, I wish I could always be there, but I'll try my best to be, even being far away.

New Year, New Beginning

So, it's been so long since I've posted. Life's been crazy, haha dealing with finals and school ahhhh

I'm thinking about maybe making a new blog soon. Something different, maybe about fashion not sure not sure, but I definitely want to.

I'm so glad it's finally 2011. A new year. A new beginning, just thinking about it makes me smile. :)

Hopefully this year will be much better than last year. 2010 was a crazy year for me, not the best, it was just too much. Getting sick over and over again, my sister getting hurt, stress, family, life in general was not good. I'm not one to complain about how my life is worse than other people's, and it's not, but I have been through a lot in life. More than anyone, anyone could know. It hurt, it still does sometimes. I try to forget everything, but at times, I just don't know how. That's why, I can't trust people easily and I don't let people in easily, not because anythings wrong with them, it's just how it is. I'm usually a pretty happy and cheerful person, it doesn't mean that I'm really always happy, but sometimes laughing and staying positive makes me feel better. Though it wasn't a great year, I think I have learned a lot and have matured some through those events. As one of my friends told me, it made me a stronger person.

Anyways......First semester in college is over, can't believe it haha. I think I have become a bit more mature and responsible, it's a great feeling, but at the same time I realize how fast time is flying. Making the most of every single second is important. It's been good semester, I made some amazing friends, my classes went well, and being away from home has been good for me. I'm a little closer to hopefully achieving my goals and making my dreams come true. Even when classes and life became a little tough in college, being around so many caring people, made it alright. :)

So, this year, I'm going to try to put everything behind me and move in. Going to let myself let go of the past 17 years, a little. It's time that I take care of myself, be healthy, smile more, laugh more, worry less, and just let everything fall into place, it will take some willpower. If things don't go the way I want them to, that's okay too. I'll be okay. Life won't ever be perfect, so there will be many ups and downs, but I will try to stay cheerful and happy no matter what. <3 <3 <3

Life

Sometimes, I just need to relax.
Lately, even though it's break, I'm too emotional.
Maybe cause I'm scared.
Scared for my future.
First semester's already over.
It was good.
But, what if I don't make it till the end.
I don't know.
I'm stressed and I shouldn't be.
I need a good cry.
A hug.
A it will be okay.
Cause right now,
I feel worried, fear.

God please help me not worry.
I think it's time for to relax.

It's going to be okay :)

So during this weekend, I finally had a realization, something big that really helped me out. I realized that, from now for who knows how long, this is how my life will be and I have to adapt to these changes. It's not something bad, just so different for me and it will take time to face these changes, but I can do it. Things won't go my way, but I can always make the best of everything right? No matter how hard something gets, I'll deal with it.

I know it's going to be okay, and that I have to keep moving, even if I have to move fast, it's ok. This is the time, where I can achieve all of my dreams and goals as long as I work for them. That may mean waking up extra early, balancing my social activities, becoming more mature and responsible, doing, instead of waiting and thinking. I can make things happen for me, I'm the only one getting in my way, that's the truth.

I can face any obstacle life decides to throw at me, because now I feel the beginning of something inside of me. Perhaps I'm ready to grow up, become brave, have courage. I'm ready to live my dreams, starting now.

No more thinking, waiting for tomorrow, just wishing, or only hoping.

My dreams are not impossible, though they may be a little hard to reach, but I can do it, with this newfound strength and some time.

I know, iA, it will be alright :)